even when i'm alone i find myself thinking of you and wishing you were there. i'll be out thrifting or see a flyer for something fun and wish i could invite you. like i don't know if you're into cafes or thrifting or bugs but i want to see if that sounds like a fun date to you. we could go to ikea and get cake and swedish meatballs and look at weird furniture. i'd probably get a stuffed animal and ask you to spray it with your cologne. and then we could go to the aquarium since its right near there. i could bring my film camera and take cute photos of you with fish. or see where you'd want to go for a date.

would you want to have a chill time? or something tells me i could get you out to a cool bar. i'd see what your drink of choice is so i could always order one for you. i'd check in a lot to see if it's too noisy. i know a few spots that have a few different rooms, where you can be rowdy, or dance, or sit out on the patio if it's overwhelming. i'd love to dance with you. in a crowded bar, or in a small kitchen, or literally where ever. 

i already know you're good at cooking. when you cooked for us at work i had already wanted to tell you all this. you stood so close to me and you cooked so good and looked so good i wished i could ask you out for a drink. and you've always heavily hinted you've seen all this stuff so i got more confident to start really shooting my shot. but i know how stuff can be. with hr. with "hr". i know from talking to a lot of men that stuff can be just as hard on you if not harder. i never want to cause you to get in trouble on my account, which is why i'm so open about everything. like, if i get fired i get fired. i can go down as infamous as the obsessed freak in company lore. but you didn't do anything wrong. and i don't play it safe. lol i don't really even play. i don't have a "backup" route cause i don't need anything. and that's why i feel like i can be here for you if you want me to be. and i feel like you've been there for me in a lot of ways. i felt it even more when we actually got to talk about this stuff verbally. and i feel like i have to clarify in case anyone's reading this, i gave him multiple opportunities to say "no", or "i'm not interested", or "this is inappropriate", or whatever he wanted to say and he just smiled and laughed a lot and said he was glad he could talk about this stuff and he appreciates it and he just had to stay somewhat professional at work cause he's my manager. he didn't do anything creepy or wrong and if i misinterpreted him or if he thinks i'm a creep, i am willing to face whatever consequences. but i want to stick up for him and unless you're going to have an actual conversation with me about it (and yes, i have talked to my partners and friends about this) then honestly, you can choke on my metaphysical trans schlong (and to clarify, those are just words, i'm not actually threatening anyone metaphysically or otherwise unless you count having a conversation where i might disagree with you as a threat).

i don't want to be a mystery manic pixie dream girl. i want to be a nutty-but-stable heart-on-my-sleeve naked soul forever. like, this is for you, jose. these posts and this smut and stuff is inspired by you. i don't want to make you guess or worry. i don't want to get your hopes up and drag them down. and i don't think you're doing that to me. that's why i always do my best to clarify what i do and why. i think, like a lot of incredible people, you're cursed.

and i've dealt with quite a few curses myself. i believe accountability works better than counterforce when it comes to that stuff (and to clarify i have never used force on anyone and also to clarify the text in parenthesis is also written by me. i'm not trapping anyone). i think you're that way too. so whatever happens happens. you came up on my instagram suggested list and i was like, is today the day i find out he's married or dating or monog or making coded posts about the weirdo at work. but your profile is set to private so maybe i'll never know. but i'll take a shot that you're not an asshole. well, i know you're not an asshole, so if i misinterpreted anything then i'll just "c'est la vie" and if i hurt you or anyone else if they have a real conversation with me i'd apologize and do what i could to make it right. honestly i was just kinda happy to see a photo of you. although it looked like someone was a little mopey. maybe it's you, maybe it's cover squirrel. am i right lol. are the album covers accurate. although everyone interprets them differently so who's to say.

i'm not quitting my job. even if i get chased down and bit by 1,000 dogs. even if i do a t-shirt preorder and make a bajillion dollars. even if i make $0. even if i get in another car wreck. even if everyone leaves me and no one ever texts me again. if i get fired, i get fired. but i actually love my job and this is not an april fool's day joke or an any other day of the year joke. maybe you don't feel alone or scared or sad or misunderstood. maybe you don't feel suicidal ideations because of inequities outside of your control. but i'll take the chance that my intuition is right and if i look crazy or dramatic, whatever. i want to tell you again, i love you and think you're beautiful and i always want to be here for you. and i promise i won't delete any of this or disappear unless you tell me you want me to delete it or you're uncomfortable working with me or posting this stuff. i'm all in. i have an unbreakable heart at this point so you don't have to worry about hurting my feelings if i'm wrong. despite what some people seem to assume about me i can handle "hard truths". maybe i've convinced them, maybe i haven't. i hope i have. if i haven't and you actually have consequences for me could you stop premeditatively hinting at them and just do them though lol.