polyamory journal 
i started a blog cause i kinda miss the myspace and bloggy days of the internet. the laptop days. so much content now prioritizes being as fast-paced and bite-sized as possible. attention-spans have, allegedly, reached an all-time low. but there was something pretty magical about those myspace days. you could customize your profile. like why not have your cursor be a little emoji. put the youtube music video up that's been making your soul sing. maybe learn a little css and customize your color scheme. post one of those quizzy blog posts so everyone can know what you're up to or how broody your poetry can be and how incredible your insights are. ooh, new profile views? new blog views? spend time wondering if your crush saw. be honest, you partly took that myspace quiz hoping they'd see your results and be super impressed. or wait... do they think you're cringe? lol. hide your top 8, but you know most people know the trick to how to see your top 8 anyway. did he see that you put him in your top 3? did senpai see my status update?! lol. the internet is still a pretty magical place. but i miss when people had places to word-vomit without shame. now everyone is mystery-maxxing. not that there's not a little sex appeal in being a little mysterious. but my soul longs to be naked forever. so maybe not many people will see this. but if you also thirst for those personal raw days of the internet, maybe i can add to that nook and we can keep it alive. maybe you'll start a blog too. maybe your crush will see it and think you're super cool. maybe the sun will explode! the uncertainty of life sure is beautiful. might as well stay my weirdest best self through the chaos. and i think you should too. 

i think for my first blah blah blog post - i guess i should make sections on my site for smut and bloggy and psychology musings i've been thinking about, although, they kinda go hand-in-hand - i'm going to compile some questions i get when i'm on dates about polyamory in case anyone is exploring it or curious. saying this already gives me flashbacks to when i used to question whether or not to upload a myspace post. like will people think i'm self-important? no one cares. thank god i'm so far past the caring what people think of me part of my life. like if you're living authentically, just be yourself. post the weird post. over-share on the internet. if people don't like you or your stuff they can call you if it really bothers them or ignore ya. but from personal experience, seeing other people be vulnerable always inspired me to do the same. and from talking to people about this stuff, a lot of people feel this way. 


why polyamory?
i was married for quite a while, part of the reason i got divorced was i wanted to explore my sexuality more. i got married pretty young, and the divorce was quick and amicable, it was just realizing we wanted quite different lifestyles than we agreed to when we got married. and we're not the kinds of people who would want someone we love to be stuck in something they agreed to for life if they wouldn't be their true selves. like y'all, fuck what people think about you, don't make decisions about your life based on what it'll look like to other people. better to divorce than stay married and maybe have kids and build resentment and have a painful divorce just later. after getting divorced i spent a lot of time just with myself and got to tune in to what i actually wanted from life without having to check in with someone. my personal opinion is everyone should have time like this to figure out who they are and what they want away from societal pressure. i had money saved up so i quit my job after my divorce and just went for walks and listened and journaled and drew. it was a really healing experience. i learned a lot about polyamory and it definitely clicked with me. i've had polyamorous friends for a while so i already had an idea about it. i was a bit turned off from it for a while, one because of conditioning, but also honestly i felt sometimes people were a bit pretentious about it, which i try not to be when people ask about it. like it was kind of introduced to me as, the "evolved" way to be in relationships, and i don't agree with that. like, there's unhealthy poly relationships, there's unhealthy monog relationships. i don't think you're automatically more "evolved" if you're either, or neither, or whatever. but similar to monog relationships, there are also a variety of ways to be polyamorous, which i'll discuss. note: this is just anecdotal and from personal experience, if you have a different experience with any of this i'm not saying your experience is invalid, just different. but if you want to have a genuine nuanced conversation about it i'm always open to talking about it.


okay then what "variety" of polyamory are you?
i am solo polyamorous, which pretty much just means you date multiple people, but you still put your personal autonomy first. some polyamorous people have "primary" partners, or "nesting" partners. i do live with a partner, but even before him moving in, we discussed at length that i am not hierarchical about relationships, and i value my autonomy and encourage that with people i date for themselves as well, and if that wasn't a vibe he was into than he wouldn't enjoy moving in with me. one of the other big reasons i got divorced is i highly value the ability to "go with the flow" and be spontaneous. i don't want relationships where i have to check-in a lot about time and "plans" and stuff. i do check in a lot about feelings. i really love living in the moment, and i'm just very communicative about that with potential partners. which i think is the most important thing whether you're poly or not. just be up front about everything, even if it might lead to hard discussions. better to not be in a relationship than be in one where you're living inauthentically to your wants and needs. like especially if you're a people-pleaser i know this can be difficult, but you aren't doing you or your partner(s) any favors bottling stuff up if you're really unsure about something or want to explore something, but try to just "keep the peace" at the expense of your mental health because you're afraid a relationship might end. btw i go on a lot of tangents. 

but yeah, i think i'll always be solo polyamorous. the only thing that would maybe change that is if i was with someone and it felt right to have a kid, but it'd have to be a perfect hodgepodge of communication and mutual enthusiasm about polyamory. and it's not like a bucket list thing to have a kid, i used to really want kids but now i'm like, it'd be cool but if it happens great, if it doesn't also great, i'm not just gonna have a kid to have a kid though. but i think even if you have a partner you'd have kids with you could still be solo polyamorous. or i mean, words are words, maybe there's a word for what that looks like. but i treat that hypothetical like any other: we'd communicate about it. i do appreciate the thought of a timeline where i could say to my kid once they're old enough to understand something like, "yeah you're mom's transgender and that "buddy" that comes by a lot, actually... and your dad also kisses other boys and other girls too and it's great." i hope we're approaching a time where that can be a more normal discussion for people, not indoctrination just like, here's another option for a way to live if you don't feel like the "standard" feels authentic to you. 


are you cucking your boyfriend?
this might seem like a joke, but there actually is a bit of stigma when i mention being polyamorous, especially when i say i live with a partner and we have our own rooms and i have other people over. the answer is, no i am not cucking my boyfriend or anyone else. feel free to ask him yourself, and if he says i am feel free to save him from my clutches lol. i give him the exact same respect i want from him and openly communicate about partners and give him the freedom to explore if he wants to explore. a good sign before he moved in was, he told me he had seen and gotten off to my porn with other men, so i was like okay yeah i'll take a shot that he's cool with this. also i think separate bedrooms, no matter if you're monog, or married, or poly, or whatever, is something that should be less stigmatized. like yeah really, even if you're married. people might think that means you're on the rocks, but like, its so nice having your own space, and then you could have cute sleepovers, and decorate how you want. like if you use it as an escape from conversation, that's one thing, but if you communicate, its so nice to be able to have days where you're like, "i'm tired, i worked hard today, i don't feel like talking, hey are you cool if i just go chill in my room by myself tonight?" like checking in with your partner, but also giving yourself space to check in with yourself. like having separate bedrooms can actually be a really healthy sign, even within a monog relationship in my opinion. 


since polyamory can be less "goal"-oriented than monogamy, do you have relationship goals? 
this question i get that can be worded a variety of ways is pretty much "what's the point"? like if you're not necessarily going to have kids or a house or get married, etc then don't all your relationships potentially have an expiration date, and if so what's the point? is it all just flings?
i understand the question and where it comes from, however, my counter point would be all relationships potentially have an end date since relationships are at minimum a two-way street and you shouldn't make decisions for other people. i was in a happy healthy marriage for a long time, and i don't see it ending as a negative thing. people change. relationships should be allowed to change. you only have one life and its not selfish to take care of yourself. this might mean the end of an unhealthy relationship, and sometimes it might even mean the end of a healthy relationship, if it means you could grow even more into yourself. if you really love someone, romantically or platonically, care means being able to let them be themselves, even if you don't get to be with them anymore. this is how i treat all my relationships, and how i want to be treated. if someone leaves, i let them leave and i can have a clear concious because i was 100% honest every step of the way. i think a lot of "bad endings" for relationships stem from someone steam-rolling, but also someone holding in being steamrolled. if you're not honest and you don't bring up stuff that bothers you cause a rocky relationship seems better than zero relationship you're not doing either you or your partner any favors, and that stuff always comes out eventually anyways. or you just silence yourself to death. if you feel like you try to communicate and just get steamrolled, i'd say practice standing your ground. so i actually really value relationships that don't have "goals". the "goal" is we're humans living true to ourselves whether that ends up including each other or not. this isn't relationship apathy however. i think some people hear this schpeal and think "oh then you're just giving yourself the freedom to just drop people." that also isn't true. i'm personally sapio and demisexual as well, and care deeply about partners. but caring deeply means being completely honest and just setting the boundaries and what both of you want. for example with my partner before he moved in i clearly said: "i value my automony, i won't change being poly whether you decide to explore or not, i'm not getting married, here's how i like to live, i don't like to plan, i'm spontaneous, are you okay if i go see a partner last minute, here are some hypotheticals we can talk about before we go to this club or party, etc." just be honest. then honestly, if he were to spring on me, "hey i'm not happy you do this this and this" i'd say "we can talk about it, however i very clearly said this is how i live and who i am, so if we talk about it and you're not happy maybe we have to look at our relationship and decide if its good for us." and he's super chill about everything but also people should be allowed to change and just because it's been working out for the time it has, if he's decides he wants something different, just because we've lived together doesn't mean he should have to be tied this forever.


what other types of polyamory are there?
some people do practice polyamory with goals in mind, which i don't think is inherently a negative thing. a lot of polyamorous people have a primary partner, they may value that relationship more, or they prioritize that partner in terms of attention or time. maybe polyamorous people have a "nesting partner", who is a primary they live with, and they might have goals like buying a house together and sharing more of their life and finances, or having kids. then there's a variety of ways and terms for the different kinds of relationships. "kitchen table" polyamorous people prioritize relationships where there are fewer barriers between their other relationships and their metamours (their partners partners), the idea being you could have dinner together with your partners partners and it wouldn't be weird. some polyamorous people don't find value in knowing their metamours and that can also be okay as long as boundaries and everything is communicated. i don't have issues with metamours as long as they respect my autonomy and relationship. if i feel any animosity or competition from metamours, i do my best to clear the air or just remove myself from the situation. (also if you're a more "seasoned" poly person and have insights you can message me, most of my knowledge comes from personal experience and conversation so i still might not know all the "terms" lol). i don't find any value in wasting time if people won't communicate, but i also don't find value in holding in feelings or holding grudges towards people. i think for me, the poly stuff was just a matter of nature vs nurture. like this way of living is very natural to me, but i was conditioned to highly value monogamy. like i think with a lot of things, people should just tune into their intuition. books can be helpful, yeah, but even with my blog posts if this all seems like bs to you, then follow your intuition. i just always think of like, birds, they just fly south for the winter. intuitively. spiders don't read a book they just build a web. like if you're having a baby, do you really need a "how-to" guide, sure maybe for some practical stuff cause we do live in a society or whatever, but also like what are your primal ancestral maternal instincts telling you to do.

like i said, i value being solo polyamorous and going with the flow and i don't do hierarchical polyamory because i like the freedom to give partners attention and time intuitively. i've always been a fan of the idea of equity over equality (equality generally meaning everyone gets the same thing evenly, and equity generally meaning you meet people where there needs are). there's an illustration that depicts it pretty well: three people can't see over a fence, so they equally give them crates to stand on, but then the short person still can't see over the fence. equity is each person gets an amount of crates according to their height to stand on so they can all see over the fence. so if i have a partner who i feel might need more time and care in a particular moment i might spend more time with them and i communicate that to my other partners. which is one of the reasons i hate planning. i value being able to have the time and freedom to go with my gut at the drop of a hat. so i communicate that and value partners who allow me the space to be that way. if you think thinking equitably about partners is hierarchical, i'd make the counter-point that its more fluid than hierarchy, but that's semantics and at the end of the day you can come to your own conclusion about how you view it.



i'll write more musings and smut later. this is mostly just a journal for myself but if it can help people understand a bit more about this, great. sometimes info about polyamory can be a little gatekeepy, sometimes it can be gatekept, sometimes it can seem like just some more pretentious bullshit, but if it helps a little i just think it should be another option for a way to live that might be a little daunting at first. i might look into getting a wordpress plugin for discussion on here or at least a way to message but if you have anything you want to add or share or correct me on you can message me on instagram for now or if you feel very strongly about something i've said and want to have a discussion you can call me at 864-434-8476. also it feels nice using a bit of my web design again. i want to format my site to post more of my comic journals as well cause i keep getting emails about someone trying to sign into my instagram so i won't be surprised if it gets hacked one day cause that's happened to so many artists i know. but at least i'll always have *ronaldo voice* MY BLOG! lol

~miriam lacourse